THE SUPERGIRL ARCHIVES, VOL. 1
By Otto Binder, Jim Mooney, and others.
(DC Comics, $49.95)
The Diary of a Midvale Orphan
By Betsy Ann Fulbright (Age 14).
Authored by- Julian Clarke, Paul Macneil, Rob Rundle, Howard Stangroom.
Jan 20th; Miss Hart suggested I start a diary, after my adoptive parents got killed by a runaway thresher. Easy for her to say. This is my third set of parents! My name is Betsy Ann Fulbright. My true parents got killed when a meteor smashed into their car. After a while I was adopted by the Turners, but they only wanted a child before they both died of some tropical disease that they’d got when exploring the Amazon. The Fulbrights were farmers, but not very careful. So here I am at Midvale Orphanage. Again.
Feb 12th. A new girl arrived today. Linda Lee. Miss Hart hates her! She gave her the cruddy attic room that hasn’t been used for ages. Lyddia Leston was in there before, and she was adopted by this millionaire. Strange that a single man can adopt a pert 15 year old like Lyddia. Miss Hart celebrated by buying herself a pearl necklace and a brand new Chevvy when Lyddia was adopted. Maybe we should call it the LL room? Linda has a very strange accent.
Feb 28th; Miss Hart’s dyed her hair black and put on 30 pounds – I think she’s in the family way. She was talking about childless parents today. If they’re childless, how come they’re parents? Linda was approached by Mr and Mrs Trent, who come to the Orphanage every week. They go through kids like there was no tomorrow. Linda hates plumbers, and wants to be adopted by a scientist. Some chance!
Mar 3rd; I think the Trents only come for the entertainment. Harry had to play the violin, Dora sang, and Kathy danced. Miss Hart hasn’t grasped the idea that if they went onto the stage one at a time they’d actually be able to show their talents. The Wilsons came in wanting to adopt Tommy, and were turned down for being poor. Miss Hart smirked at that, I’ll tell ya. Then they suddenly had a cave in on their land and could see the leaning tower of Pisa!. That wiped the smile off Miss Hart’s face. Apparently she’d promised a lumberjack community that Tommy’s tush was theirs!
Mar 18th; Linda Lee is weird! She spends half her time just looking into the far distance, and I could swear her hair moves just a fraction after her head. Maybe she’s bald!. She must be paying Miss Hart to keep THAT a secret.
Mar 19th; Linda Lee’s adopted. That’s quick. Miss Hart was talking about a ‘cut’ to Linda’s new parents, so maybe she’s warming them up to the idea that Linda’s bald. Who’d want to adopt a bald girl?
Mar 25th; Linda Lee’s back. DAMN. That means I’ll have to give her room back. The Dales lost all their money. Glad to see I’m not the only one who can’t keep parents. Miss Hart was pissed!
April 25th; Aliens have adopted Kathy and Dora. It was pretty spooky, and I’m surprised Miss Hart was so obliging. Linda Lee blanched when she came back from the woods, and muttered something about telling her cousin, which is weird because Superman said her whole community was destroyed. I think Linda has relatives, they just can’t cope with a bald girl with a weird accent.
May 16th: There was a fire in the girls’ house. Linda put it out, but managed to keep the place incredibly tidy. There was no water anywhere. Miss Hart ripped up her insurance claim in disgust. She’s so quick with her paperwork, I admire her.
June 9th; Dear Diary, you’ll never guess what happened today! I found a huge diamond. Miss Hart had been moaning that there’s no coal, and thinks that Linda’s having fires up in that attic room. She sent me up to find out, and I found a diamond in the grate. I’ve hidden it in my secret box. I also sneaked a peek at Linda’s diary but she writes in a foreign language. I knew she wasn’t American!
June 12th; Linda came back from the woods smelling of fish, and looking all gooey. She’s got a boyfriend.
July 4th; Independence Day, and you won’t believe this but Linda Lee’s gone missing! She’s taken no clothes and it’s ALL VERY PECULIAR! I think she’s run off with that boyfriend. Miss Hart bought a box of fireworks to celebrate!!!
July 11th; Linda’s back. She was lost in Dismal Swamp, so she says, but those smears of mud don’t fool me. She ran off with her boyfriend, and then he dumped her.
July 12th: Dear Diary, Linda smells of fish again, and had a few fish sclaes scales on her legs. It must be the Fishmonger’s son that she’s meeting in the woods, although why her legs get salt marks on them I haven’t figured out yet. So what was she doing in Dismal Swamp?
Aug 5th; Miss Hart let the babies in the nursery play with plastic bags until Nurse found her.
Sep 1st; Wow! The cutest boy has just been brought in. He’s a real dish. Linda’s got her eyes on him. Fish-boy’s not enough for that nimfomaniac.
Sep 2nd; Another fire! This time Vera nearly fried, but Johnny Cutepants saved her. LL was also there. He is so cute even though he can’t speak English. Linda’s going to teach him. I just hope he doesn’t pick up her accent.
Sep 3rd.; Started a petition to get the Orphanage rewired. Miss Hart hit me real hard, and shoved me into the laboratory that we have. To spite her I played with the raydium.
Sep5th; The Trents were back again. Obviously they’d heard about the new orphan. I think they’re vampires.
Sep 6th.; What a weird week. Not only does the cutest orphan in town disappear after getting his memory back, but Linda Lee spent the day wandering around like a zombie, and whirring. I think she’s taken one of those personal health massagers that Miss Hart has. Linda’s for the high jump if she’s swiped one of those!!!!
Oct 12th; Dear Diary, the Circus is in town again. That means at least another three adoptions. Kenny’s learnt to breathe fire, Jane can ride a pony standing on her head (literally) and Bradley is regularly putting his head into the mouths of lions. The Zoo has been complaining. I think Linda taught him that trick.
Oct 16th ; I was so right. All three have been adopted by the Bearded Lady and her husband Tom Thumb. Miss Hart has a real sick idea of adoption. I think Linda’s got the right idea, although dressing up really scruffy didn’t work with that policeman and his wife. Their own little girl died in the line of fire. Folks in town say they were using her as a human shield.
Nov 15th; The place is quiet. The older kids have been sent out on “job training” to earn money. Bumped into Miss Hart, who was checking the wiring in the main orphanage. She looked really guilty. Oh and Linda Lee came back. Not keen on target practice, I guess!
Nov 16th ; Diary! Good News and Bad News. The bad news is that the Orphanage burnt down last night. Weird how these things happen when Linda’s around. But bizarrely, the whole Orphanage was rebuilt by this morning. The wiring’s still dodgy ( I checked) and we’ve still got raydium in the laboratory as well as green kryptonite in a lead box. I think Superman must have been passing and took the opportunity to do some good and to hide the green K from villains. I’ll leave it where it is. I think Linda is a piromaniac.
Nov 30th ; The older kids are back. Linda wrote an article for the Daily Planet (Yawnsville), but Billy Watkins has had S-E-X with a 40 year old woman, and Bob Carter was a messboy in a Lumber camp. He said he’d never seen so many spunk filled men. He meant spunky, though what’s so brave about felling trees I don’t know. I think he met a girl up there ‘cos he had the same look Linda Lee has when she smells of “Fish-Boy”.
Dec 31st; Dear Diary, here are my new year’s resolutions;
1) Grow some new hair! Mine’s falling out in lumps.
2) Find a new talent. Miss Hart says that if I learn the Dance of the Seven Veils, she could guarantee adoption. And I’d have the stage to myself, with just one set of parents viewing rather than the huge gathering. And it won’t be the Trents. Linda says she’ll help with my costume. I think Linda’s read my diary, as there have been no more fires.
3) Ask the Fishmonger’s son some discreet questions about LL
4) Figure out why Linda stands in a hollow tree for hours.
5) Lock my dresses up. Bob Carter’s started sneaking them out and putting them on.
Gah, would the person nearest to Edinburgh please come and slap meacross the chops for buying this ridiculous waste of paper and ink?Previous issues of this continuity implant series have been annoying,but this was just abominable.I bought it cos of the nice cover - it looked like the women in thelives of Reed, Prof X, Black Bolt, Iron Man and Dr Strange (poorNamor, he's so alone), not actually being stupid, had found out aboutthe activities of the so-called Illuminati and were going to kickmanly superhero butt. But no, Sue Richard, Lilandra, Mesdames Medusaand Masque and Clea don't actually appear. They're just discussed in ascene in which five of the previously most dignified men in the MarvelU discuss how easy it is or isn't to get superheroine ass.Thing is, Clea has chosen Dark Dimension rule over marrying StephenStrange, as you would, and he's miffed in a supposedly comedic way.The other men chime in with their opinions of their womenfolk and weget such priceless dialogue as,talking about Sue:REED: "If I am not exactly where I'm supposed to be the second shewants me there, because I'm in the middle of something . . . she justleaves."TONY: Leaves? As in?"REED: "She gets up and leaves the building without saying anything."TONY: "Where does she go?"REED: "Oh, I KNOW where she goes" (looks at Namor)So, Brians Bendis and Reed are telling us that despite the evidence ofhundreds of stories involving Reed and Sue's relationship, she'sregularly storming out to hang out with/possibly shag Namor if Reeddoesn't attend to her every whim. Marvel, I say thee Bollocks.That's the low point, the rest of the comic isn't much better. Itturns out that Reed thinks little of his fellow humans, seeing them asstupid ants. Now, it could be that this is part of a ruse to persuadeGrant Morrison's evil Kree would-be conqueror Marvel Boy to come overto the light. See, although he's in prison and no immediate threat,and the Illuminati could actually tackle him with their teams, bigbrains and magic space gems/Soda Crystals Cosmic were he to break out,they decide to go to his prison, smack him around and play with hishead. It could be that this is Bendis and co saying that Tony Starkand pals were always the control freak nuts they became in Civil War;more likely, it's just lack of consideration for establishedcharacterisation.Jim Cheung's art is nice, and wasted.The car crash rubbernecker in me will buy next issue, to see how itall ends (the Marvel Boy business is unresolved) so feel free to say
